Many Sleepless Nights

Writing is humiliating.

Not just poor writing, I opine, but ANY writing.

Why?

Because putting words down, whether for private or public viewing, immortalizes the thoughts you were thinking-- carves in stone who you were in that moment-- and creates a benchmark against which to look back and measure your foolishness.

Rare is the person who looks at a photo of themself in middle school and thinks, "Dang, I was cool."

Rare the thirty-year-old who thinks of their twenty-year-old self and confidently says, "I sure knew what I was talking about back then."

Based on this, I usually assume that sixty-year-old me will think current me is an asshole.

("She thought she was so edgy, swearing in a blog post. She was so concerned with her own righteousness, considering whether to leave it in or not. She spent twenty minutes writing one sentence in the hopes that someone would read it and think she was a Cool, Deep Genius. What a dummy that kid was.")

So it is with some trepidation that I make a spontaneous return to this blog. Is what I want to say important? Will it impact anything-- is it even worth sharing? Will I think the same things decades from now, or will I be a completely different person who looks backwards with amused pity? 

I have been thinking a lot lately. Thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking. It is often difficult for me to sleep at night because I am turning things over and over in my mind. Part of this is obsessive rumination, a symptom of OCD. On second thought, it is probably mostly obsessive rumination, considering that the content of these late-night thoughts align with my primary OCD theme (moral perfection and sinfulness).

I've struggled with rumination for many years. At one point in high school, I was so completely and agonizingly consumed by my inner world that I failed every class. Rumination is no stranger to me.

But today, something felt different.

I had a long commute home and occupied it-- of course-- pondering existential and ethical questions. "Who is God? Is God good... or a tyrant? Is He "just," and what does that mean? How can the Old Testament God also be Jesus? Who does God love? Who does God not love? Does God love people of other religions? Will He act on that love by somehow mercifully uniting people from other religions with Himself in the afterlife?"

For over a decade, the main motivator of a vast number of my decisions has been, "Will I go to hell if I do 'X,' think 'Y,' or believe 'Z?'"

Today I found myself asking a different question: "If I knew for certain that hell was not an option for me, would I still want to follow Jesus?"

If I were either a) so confident in Jesus' covering of grace over me that I believed my eternal destiny was irrevocably secure, or b) if the threat of punishment by eternal conscious torment had never been a factor in my faith at all, would I still be interested in Christianity? If I were not desperately trying to avoid the pain of hell, would religion have any appeal for me?

What about the alternative: if there were neither carrot nor stick, if glorious eternal reward in the form of heaven were not proffered or even mentioned in the Christian faith, would the example of Jesus' life in the gospels be enough to compel me to follow his way?

Most of my life, the answer has been no. If it were somehow revealed to me that there is no afterlife-- no punishment to avoid, no reward to seek-- I would have said, "Phew. I can finally stop following all these rules!"

Today I felt like the answer was tipping towards Yes. 

In the midst of my Jacobean mental struggles, a persistent seed seems to be growing: the idea that God might be better than I have always thought. 

Jesus was chastised for eating with sinners, and he in turn chastised the Pharisees who idolized rules and righteousness. Maybe-- just maybe-- JUST MAYBE-- that really is who he is. A good God, who became human, who KNOWS who we are, what we are like, and what we long for.

It was not that long ago that I wasn't able to conceive of an actually good God, someone I might choose of my own free will to follow, not out of fear of punishment. These days I can, at least, conceive of it. I can catch a whiff of it-- of something truly worthy of worship. It's not a lot, but it's more than I've ever had before.

So I got out of bed, where I had been thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, to put these words down on "paper," to mark a moment that feels new and exciting and hopeful. I hope that when sixty-year-old me looks back on this, she will not be embarrassed or pitying. I hope that she remembers this feeling I have now and says, "That was just the beginning. Better and more beautiful things are still to come."

Photo credit: Brenda Colthorp

Are You Living in a Brothel?

A coupla weeks ago on a sunny Friday morning, I was sitting in a meeting with my executive director (#KurtReppart #thebombdotcom #CityCommissioner #allaroundgooddude #itsnotflatteryifitstrue) and the couple that owns 4/5 of the housing cooperatives in Grand Rapids. We were discussing the elements of the zoning code that make it difficult to begin an unusual housing project, and I learned about the Brothel Laws.
Did you know about this? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS??? Because I didn't and I am still trying to figure out who's gonna be the focus of my angry-letter-writing campaign. 

THESE are the Brothel Laws: In the city of Grand Rapids, it is ILLEGAL for more than four unrelated persons to live in one unit together. A family of six, seven, eight, nine (or more) people can share a housing unit (depending on fire codes, of course. Not knockin' fire codes), yet five non-family roommates is Just Too Many. Your house has five bedrooms? Sorry, guess one of 'em has to sit empty. Or two of your roommates have to get married to each other before you can invite someone to occupy the extra bedroom.

I was stunned and infuriated by this revelation. A quote by Wesley Hill had been digging its little hookies into my brain for the last few days: "I imagine Christian communities in which friendships are celebrated and honored-- where it's normal for families to live near or with single people; where it's expected that celibate gay people would form significant attachments to other single people, families, and pastors; where it's standard practice for friends to spend holidays together or share vacations; where it's not out of the ordinary for friends to consider staying put, resisting the allure of constant mobility, for the sake of their friendships."*

As someone who has been single for a quarter century (#goingstrongdespiteoccasionalselfpity), alternative visions to the traditional one-family home are increasingly important to me. And the Brothel Laws seem to be puttin' a little dampy-wampy on singles (and/or childless couples) living together in community. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO START A COMMUNE WITH ONLY FOUR PEOPLEEEEEE????? (mostly joking)


So today I'm doing a little digging into why the Brothel Laws exist and how I can DESTROY THEM.

Alrighty, here is the ordinance in question, according to the Rental Property Owners Association:
In regards to one-, two-, or multiple-family housing units (unit being either an apartment or a house, and a "multiple-family" home presumably being an originally one-family home that has been split up into multiple apartments):


"The operative word in the above definition of dwelling is 'family.' The zoning code further defines 'family' as follows:

Family shall consist of one (1) of the following:

(a) An individual living in a single dwelling unit.

(b) A group of two (2) or more persons related by blood, marriage or legal adoption living in a single dwelling unit.

(c) Not more than six (6) foster care children living in a single dwelling unit. This provision is subject to P.A. 396 of 1976 as amended (MCL 125.583b).

(d) Not more than four (4) unrelated persons eighteen (18) years of age or older living in a single dwelling unit.

(e) Not more than six (6) foster care adults living in a single dwelling unit. This provision is subject to P.A. 218 of 1979 as amended (MCL 400.701 to 400.737)."**


So it's true. Grand Rapids housing code really does specify that four unrelated persons is the maximum allowable amount to share one unit (even a whole house!).

Why does this seemingly bizarre regulation exist? A couple minutes of digging suggests four primary reasons.

1. To prevent the formation of brothels (duh)
2. To prevent the formation of unwanted fraternities
3. To regulate parking 
4. To prevent the poor from paying rent jointly and moving into a better neighborhood.***

Again, the "Brothel Laws" are not the same as fire code, which regulates how many people can live within a certain square-footage, no matter their relationships. Some order is necessary, to protect tenants from abuse. (It made me shudder to type "Some order is necessary." Guess I'll just go register with the Libertarians now)

Despite my rip-roaring readiness to Destroy the System, I will admit (ugh) that some of these reasons (ick) make sense (aaaackk).
1. Brothels are Not the Ideal, especially when a. they create an uptick in related, dangerous crime (rape, drug use, etc.) and b. vulnerable women are drawn in by the promise of cheap housing and high wages. 
2. Fraternities are Also Not Ideal, Because They Are Filled With Doo-Doo Heads (generalization? ehhhh maybe maybe not) 
3. Neighbors have a right to parking; when more people live in one unit, there will almost inevitably be an increase in cars and therefore a decrease in available parking in the area. 
Aaaaand number 4 may sound like kind of a conspiracy theory (X-Factor X-Files music plays), but stranger things have happened than rich folks conspiring to keep out the poor folks. Actually, now that I am thinking about it, this is not a conspiracy theory at all. Look up "redlining."

So, although it hurts my own pseudo-anarchistic argument (not actually an anarchist), I have to admit that there ARE legitimate reasons to be concerned about the number of unrelated people sharing a dwelling-- in particular in regards to parking availability. It is much easier to argue against things that have zero redeeming qualities (such as Nazis, menstrual cramps, or marshmallow Peeps). It is much more difficult to advocate for or against things that live in the gray area. And when you hear the reasoning behind the Brothel Laws, what at first seemed like a nonsensical, overreaching regulation moves a little closer towards the gray.

making this GIF required me to write "sharting" sixteen times

As someone for whom community is incredibly important, the Brothel Laws are intolerable as-is. They don't allow for larger groups of single people to intentionally share life. Yet they should not be repealed until we find alternative solutions to the problems of overcrowding and parking. (I argue, however, that just because the 4-person rule gets lifted does not mean that everyone is suddenly going to rush out and bunk up with their budzz, causing these issues. It takes a particular type of person to commit to an intentionally communal lifestyle.)
 
What are the alternatives? What can we do? Perhaps limit the number of cars per household instead of the number of unrelated people? But that brings its own complications (it would be much more difficult to regulate). Turn abandoned lots into parking areas? Incentivize public transit and bicycling?

Before I descend into an in-depth examination of all the possible problems, solutions, and permutations thereof, let me sign off for the night (it took me several days to write this post because I kept getting SO ANGRY). This is just a first look at the Brothel Laws. Hopefully I will have some more information soon. Please leave comments/message me/invite yourself over for dinner if you have ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS WHATSOEVER. 

I will leave you with this oddly wise quote from my oddly wise little sister: "Only in math is there ever one solution."






References
*Hill, Wesley. As quoted in "Mere Sexuality: Rediscovering the Christian View of Sexuality" by Todd A. Wilson. Zondervan, Grand Rapids: 2017. 

** "Michigan: Determining the Number of Residents for Your Rental Unit." Rental Property Owners Association. Accessed 8/24/18. <https://rpoaonline.org/kb/determining-number-residents-rental-unit/>

*** "How many adults can rent a home together in Grand Rapids?" Reddit. Accessed 8/24/18. <https://www.reddit.com/r/grandrapids/comments/7s6jys/how_many_adults_can_rent_a_home_together_in_grand/
Reasons 1 and 2 are credited to Redditor "Oniketojen."
Reason 4 comes from user "Deadheadphonist."
Reason 3 comes from my brain.

Why I Pay Rent

I could be living rent-free. I'm not.

When I returned home from Mexico in June of 2017, I was very poor.
Yes, I made some Regrettable Financial Decisions. Yes, I spent $150 on a plane ticket for my cat. Yes, I took taxis to work instead of the bus. Yes, I bought an accordion (ran out of money first). BUT in my defense, the exchange rate was also really sucky. For a year I had been paid the equivalent of $600 USD per month-- which was PLENTY to live on in Mexico, where a pound of potatoes costs less than fifty cents and rent is a hundred bucks a month. But what was a ridiculously good wage in Toluca is a very bad one when translated back to American dollars. Therefore: poor.

So, I had no choice but to settle back into the 'rents house upon my return. 

I love my family. I love my home. Life is easy there, where Dad washes the dishes and folds my laundry and cooks dinner (I'm lazy). To be honest, my parents would be content if I lived at home forever... and I could be too. It would be easy to choose that calm, responsibility-free life, to be a kid forever.
But at the same time, my heart cries out for bustle, for noise, and for neighbors-- not for the isolation of three acres of land ten miles outside of Grand Rapids. So after 8 months of (kind of) saving (some of) my paychecks from my job in nonprofit (where I make hella cash, obvi), I got the itch to move out. I envisioned myself in the city, sitting on my front porch on humid summer mornings, waving to familiar folks as they walked by. I pictured community dinners in my living room and on that same front porch.

What I DIDN'T picture was driving a half hour to work, serving and interacting and laughing with Westsiders, and then driving back home to spend the evening alone in Rockford.

Yet I was nervous about moving. I really didn't have much of a financial buffer, and rent in Grand Rapids is not as affordable as it should be (bitter post on gentrification to come). Was moving actually the right choice?
In the midst of my doubtfulness, my dad told me flat out that I should NOT move. "You're living here for free," he said bluntly. It would be better to stay at home a while longer. Build up some savings. Be safe, don't rush.

Although it gave me pause for a time, I did not heed the advice of someone older and wiser than me. And I don't regret my decision not to.

This is why I pay rent:

1. Incarnation- What is it?
I choose to pay rent rather than live at home for free because I strongly believe in the ideal of "Incarnation." (omg, what a Christiany word.) Soooo... what does that mean? Look no further than the root words-- "en carne." (I may not speak Latin, but I speak Spanish, which is basically the same) To "incarnate" is essentially "to become flesh." Super gross sounding, but very beautiful in reality. It is the idea that one cannot understand the situation of another person if you have not experienced it yourself. Rather than using a plethora of made-up words like "amongness" to describe what incarnation looks like, I will give some examples instead.

• In 1996 Shane Claiborne, unabashed Jesus-hippie and founder of the Simple Way neighborhood organization, occupied an abandoned church alongside a number of homeless families to prevent them from being evicted (legality can be debated later). Nowadays, Shane chooses to live in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Philadelphia.
• Oscar Romero, archbishop of San Salvador, El Salvador, was assassinated in 1980 because he believed that the Catholic church's duty was to defend the poor against an abusive government, rather than to maintain a comfy (and corrupt) status quo. He famously stated, "If we look at poverty from the outside, as if we’re looking at a fire, that’s not to opt for the poor, no matter how concerned we may be. We should get inside as if our own mother and sister were burning. Indeed it’s Christ who is there, hungry and suffering."*

• John 1:14- "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us."** I have also heard this informally translated as "The Word [Jesus] pitched a tent of flesh." Um, gross??? Yet that grossness is absolutely foundational to believing in and trusting a God who once was a foreign being, accessible only by select prophets in certain cordoned-off temple rooms. God made himself a man-- incarnated himself, became flesh-- so we could trust him, relate to him, and understand him. If Christ had not descended from his throne to experience our deleterious human life, he would still be a faraway, ethereal "god" with no relation to our human reality. Jesus is the ultimate example of Incarnation.

2. Incarnation- Why practice it?

I want to be among the people I serve. I want to live life alongside them, OUTSIDE of work. I want to break down the barriers of "service provider" and "client," to be neighbors and friends with mutually beneficial relationships, rather than seeing myself as anyone's "savior." (wow, lots of "quotation marks" in this paragraph) This requires the constant crucifixion of pride (we like to be saviors and heroes). 

If we wish to understand another person, it would behoove us to experience some of what they experience on a daily basis.

I am by no means an expert in Incarnation or in Intentional Community (not an expert in anything, really). In fact, blogging about the pursuit of equality with my lower-income neighbors feels like a minor betrayal of that same pursuit-- I must acknowledge that I have the privilege to back out of the West Side (and lower-middle-class-living) if I choose to. I have a college education and financially stable parents, meaning that I will always be protected even in the event of a financial emergency. Most of my neighbors have no such security. Nevertheless, from my unique place of privilege, I hope to use this blog to inspire others to seek out instances or lifestyles of intentional community and to experience the joy in it that I have.

tld;dr- Knowing and understanding my neighbors is why I pay rent, when I could be saving money by living at home.


References

* "Oscar Romero- Option for the Poor" Catholicsocialteaching.org,         http://www.catholicsocialteaching.org.uk/themes/community-participation/stories/oscar-romero-option-poor/

**New International Version. Biblica, 2011. Biblehub.com, https://biblehub.com/john/1-14.htm

Intentional Community

If you've followed either of my previous bloogs, Adventure Bloog Mexico (umm, still unfinished) or its predecessor Adventure Bloog Argentina, you may notice a change here.

Specifically, the lack of garish text coloration. Could I be, how you say, "maturing?" (In some ways, yes I am. Today I went to a meeting that I had meticulously entered into my digital calendar. In other ways, I'm not. Last week I didn't go to a meeting that I had meticulously entered into my calendar. Whoops.)

The other small change is that I no longer have to include a disclaimer at the top of my blog posts, protecting the U.S. Department of State from fallout due to the outlandish things I may say. On the downside, this means I am no longer a pseudo-government-employee simultaneously battling and reinforcing U.S. colonialism via rogue guitar-playing (which some call "teaching English"). But on the upside, I can go back to blaming everything I say on the Department of State, as I was wont to do before quote, air-quote, "legal obligation" end air-quote, end quote, required me to disclaim myself. (tl;dr my Fulbright year is over)

For me, the biggest change is that I am back in the United States and have no foreseeable plans to travel abroad. About a year ago, this was very unsettling to me.

Reaching the point where our social timeline ends (post-bachelor's-degree, for many) used to scare me. The first 25(ish) years of our lives are generally planned out for us: graduate elementary school, graduate middle and high school, graduate college, get job....... 
After that, you have to decide for yourself and set your own goals. And I am Really Not Good at either of those things.

Here's a little comic from my senior year of college, when I began to grapple with this idea.

At one point, my life plan was:
1. Graduate college
2. Marry hott do0d
3. Adopt cat
4. Die
(College roommate will confirm this list is accurate)

And, well....

1. 

2. (conspicuous lack of marriage to hott do0d, possibly to be addressed in later blog post)

3. 

The "Death" part was a joke at the time, but now I am beginning to recognize that I believed it in a sort of melancholy way. I never thought about the "rest" of my life, the "stuff in between" college and death. Which is CRAZY because that is literally most of life.

That strange lack of foresight is probably part of why my first year out of college was so difficult. I had no goals. I had no direction. And I couldn't just make myself have it.

So I just took one step forward at a time, towards whatever seemed right. 

This led me to a year working as a security guard in a homeless shelter, then to Mexico, then back to the U.S., and now to a local nonprofit. And thankfully along the way I developed a stronger sense of what some might describe as a "calling." I didn't just have a calling (although some people seem to be born with one, which freaks me out). There has never been a "career" that interested me. Doing one thing for my whole life seemed TERRIBLE. And it still does. So instead of equating "calling" with "job," I now understand it to mean "thing I am really really passionate about and would do whether or not I was getting paid."


This last year of working at a nonprofit on the West Side of Grand Rapids  (#WestSideBestSide) has confirmed that I am gifted in community building, in hospitality, and in love. Intentionally practicing those things is my "calling" in this phase of my life (and maybe for the whole thing. We'll see.) It brings me crazy joy to do so. And, conveniently for my blogging habits, practicing Intentional Community is fun to both write and read about.

So, in closing, this is my new platform for braindumps about radical hospitality, homelessness, dumpster diving, urban gardening, housing cooperatives, and anything else I may be able to tangentially relate to the topic of "Community." Hang around. Sorry there were not many jokes in this post